20

Weeks. That is how far along in this mostly silent pregnancy I am. Mostly silent because I have not talked about it. Just been keeping this little miracle baby to myself.

Back in January Jason and I started a journey. I should say back in May 2009 we started a journey to have another baby. The road took a twisted turn in January. After buying and using enough pee sticks to fund half my retirement I insisted I talk to the doctor. This was the end of December. I know you are thinking May to December is not too long to try. Keep in mind last time I was pregnant on the 1st, 3rd and 5th try. This time, despite using ovulation kits and other methods I will not discuss, we got nada. Something felt wrong. The doctor scoffed too. I insisted. I even knew when to call. I was made to wait. 

Another month rolls around and we end up at the end of January. Ultra sound confirmed ovulation. Another try. Another negative test. Let the blood work begin. The vampires drained half my blood. The results rolled in and the calls from the nurse. Normal. Normal. Normal. Just waiting on this last value. Humpf. Maybe I am just impatient.

Start of February. The doctor calls and leaves a message. We play tag. She calls when I am in a session. I do the stupid and unthinkable thing, I answer the call (First time in my 6 year career as a therapist). Uh-huh. I see. Okay, yes. Thank you. Blink away tears. I keep it together, end the session and get in the car.

Hysterics start. Sobbing. Hyperventilation. I drive home. I get lost even though I am only 8 blocks away. The road is a blur. I call Jason. Call again. Come home. Just come home.

Cha Cha Cha

I have never been one for birthdays, at least my own birthday. It seems once I reached 13 birthdays were just another minor disappointment in life. The importance of the day lay with the person having the birthday. This year I wanted to be different. Create my own day. But it turned out surprising...

I told Jason to think out side of the box this year and surprise me. I honestly was not expecting much (Sad on my part). A few weeks back he asked me for two days in July where I could meet for up to an hour and a half for this project he was working on. I assumed it was for this leadership conference he ha attended and was finishing in July (he was reading a book on balancing work, person and home). I gave him the 7th and 15th. The 7th just happened to be my birthday.

On the night of the 5th I asked for more information since I needed to plan my work week. He refused and said I would get it Wednesday morning. Intriguing...my curiosity started to peak. Meanwhile I had accepted a consult in Georgetown (which I mistook for a 30 minute drive instead of the 50 minutes it actually took). On the morning of the 7th on the way to the 9:30 consult in BFG I got a text with directions. I called to confirm the time. 11:00. Shit, I don't think I can make it back down by 11. Can I get there by 11:15? NO?! Was I spoiling my birthday by making a silly mistake. I pleaded not to cancel and I would work it out.

Leaving the consult 10 minutes early I speed down the interstate hoping not to get pulled over. I managed to make it to the mystery location by 11:12. Jason said she will wait. In the parking lot I still had no clue what we were doing until I saw the sign..."Adventures in Dance". Awww.....he took me dancing.

What a great surprise. We talked about dance lessons forever and he remembered. After we were done I was given flowers, a card and taken to lunch. What a dude!

LeBron James is all about the money.
I am so over that.

See Ya

Drive time is thinking time. I have blogged in my head entry after entry only to come home and stare blankly at the screen. (This leaves plenty of time for my past time of celebrity trash talk website like TMZ, OMG or People.) One of those pens that act as recorders would be pretty handy.
Anyway, earlier today I attended a going away party for a former co-worker (now good friend) who is leaving my old company. For some reason it was a powerful event but not in the way that you would expect. I was struck by the "business" of the going away social hour. One hour ending one the hour. Brief speech by former boss then out the door. The reality of the expendable employee set in all over again. A person filling a quota. The party felt like a formality. It is just shameful. I know how much this person gave, and gave and gave. Yet in the end it was just office space. Move one out, move one in.
Now, I do get to enjoy a more causal affair for my dear friend later this week. I am hoping to be awe struck by all of the ways she has touched the life of her friends. Inspired them to higher moral ground. I am sure I won't be disappointed.

On Hold

The grandest of plans. Always have them never seem to quite keep them.
I have been reading like a mad woman. Four books in the month of June. Be impressed. Two of them non-fiction.
Anyway, I was going to start the reviews tonight and pass on the wealth of book knowledege kicking around in my brain. Little man threw up (again) tonight and sapped all my energy. Energy that is running low these days (I do need to catch people up). Instead I will get my jammies on and go read.

Poem to Share

Silver Lakes

We wake in the morning pulled to consciousness by
The sun peeking through the window
It quietly urges us out of bed
My feet slide out onto the cold wooden floor
The dogs rise from slumber and shake off their sleep
They follow me into the next room looking for breakfast
As I put on the coffee, he starts the wood-burning stove
Little is said or needs to be said
We know what has to be done
The chores are divided up by traditional gender roles
I stay in to pack up the food and wash the dishes
He goes out side to chop wood for the fire
The dogs follow him
Kate stays on the porch
Abbey is at his heels
I watch out the little kitchen window
As he methodically chops wood
Abbey grabs a stick, a piece of bark
And then a log when his back is turned
My laughter interrupts the silence
With sing song melody
In that moment while watching my husband
I forget what may not be and take delight in what is

August 2004

Mornings

Morning creeps in to stir the tiger.
Quiet grrs call me in.
I pick you up and we sit.
Just the two of us, alone in the rocking chair.
Head on my shoulder, tickling my cheek with eye lashes.
Giggles and little kisses are exchanged.

Linger just a little longer.
Wait one more minute before the days demands start.
Breathe it in together.
Connect my heart to your heart.