27 May 2010


Morning creeps in to stir the tiger.
Quiet grrs call me in.
I pick you up and we sit.
Just the two of us, alone in the rocking chair.
Head on my shoulder, tickling my cheek with eye lashes.
Giggles and little kisses are exchanged.

Linger just a little longer.
Wait one more minute before the days demands start.
Breathe it in together.
Connect my heart to your heart.

25 May 2010

When I was a young teenager, 14 or 15, I used to get this funny feeling inside about not having children. My inner voice told me time and time again I would adopt. I carried this feeling around for years. In fact, during college around age 20 I had a period of extreme pelvic pain which resulted in a surgery. During that time I was told I was most likely going to have a difficult time getting pregnant or even having children. Flash forward 13 years and a few "tries" and I was surprised to be doing this:

and to have made this:

Getting pregnant was easy. So easy my husband was sad it did not take longer. My pregnancy and delivery were a breeze. Rowan was beautiful (even the doctor said so as I was delivering! Great timing.)
Having my own child never seemed like a path I would wander down. It has been challenging and rewarding in more ways than I had never even imagined. Several years have passed and my baby is a toddler. People have been asking about "the next one" and we have been trying and trying and trying. Now, once again we are headed down a path I never imagined I would be walking.

14 May 2010

Dear Self,
This has been a long and arduous week full of unexpected twists and turns. There have been a few restless nights and it can feel exhausting. Take heart, tomorrow marks the end and Sunday is the new beginning. While Sunday, Mother's Day, left you on the couch with strep throat after a shot in the ass know that you may finally get the poppy seeds you planted to sprout because of all the snow and rain. It has been a lousy week for driving but Sunday will be perfect to garden again. It is understandable that Monday left you frustrated since you decided to work but instead had to take a sick day. At least you only need to make up one visit.
By the way I am so proud of you for deciding to volunteer on Wednesday without Jason. It must have been a let down to hear (read) he was opting to work after you set aside the time to volunteer together - something you have never done. You went anyway, despite the fact you may not know anyone. That was very brave. It turned out to be so much fun and you connected with some of Jason's work friends (and got free lunch).
After working hard in the 37 degree weather, Thursday was hairy. A full schedule indeed. And Friday rolled around to cut you a HUGH break. It is hard to fathom 5 out of 7 clients canceled. Really.
The worst part of the week must have been seeing your day care provider so mad at your child she could barely talk. White in the face and red in the neck. It must feel shameful your child persists in smearing poop. Where do you even begin, what do you say? It stopped being funny two episodes ago. I know you are worried they will stop caring for your son. There has to be a little relief knowing she provided consequences (finally). It must have been frustrating to listen to your son bawl as you scrubbed him down in the cold shower. It made you cry too. It would have been so easy to scoop him up and say okay but you helped him learn a lesson. Parenting is hard. In your heart you have to believe him when he promised not to smear poop anymore and make good choices [as you rocked him to sleep]. It was the first time he has said that.
Enjoy the walk tomorrow. Your Aunt will forgive you for not letting her visit tonight. Sunday is full of sun and there are plants to be planted. Remember to thank your husband.
Rest easy.

Dear Husband,
I know work has been crap lately and you haven't felt well. Please know I understand how disappointed you are you couldn't come volunteer. In case I don't express it through my perpetual crabby mood I appreciate you. Thank you for taking our son to daycare each morning because I can't manage to do that and make it to an 8:00 appointment on time. Thank you for making sure he eats his dinner every night and brushes his teeth. Thank you for making that damn peanut-butter sandwich even though you were running late.
I love you.

07 May 2010

Down(er) Time

One thing I love about what I do is the down time between appointments in the car. Most of the time I drive in silence and let my brain run. Decompress. Feel good. Ready to go to the next house. So my beloved Subaru (Betty), that has cost me at least $3000 in repairs in the last six months, has a new "trick" or should I say tick. It started out nice and slightly annoying. I would go to turn the corner, turn on the signal, turn and the clicka-clicka noise would continue. But double time...the sound would be really fast. I would then have to turn my signal on and off to make it stop. Over the past few weeks the double time clicka noise would just show up during non-turn times, like a nat in the summer heat buzzing right in your eyes. Turn signal on and off. It goes away. Now, things have gotten really special. Sometimes clicka does not turn off at all. I mean even after turning the car on and off. I am talking a day of clicka-clicka. My patience is running thin these days as it is. I am pretty sure the clicka will cause a road rage accident soon. Pray for Betty. She is gonna need it.